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Argumentsinrelationshipsaretypicallyso regrettableandoftensobitter,it’snatural

争执在关系里经常是痛苦而令人懊悔的

tohopewemightwithgreatermaturity –overcomethemonceandforall.Butgiven

我们自然想要更成熟地永远克服这件事

whathumannatureislike,itwouldbeunwise tomakethisourgoal:thehopecan’tbe

但从人性角度来看,这个目标是不明智的

toeliminateargumentsaltogether,itshould betotrytofindourwaytoabetterkind

不该希冀能完全根除争执而该试着找到更好的方式

ofargument.Argumentstendtostartwhen weareconfrontedusuallyrathersuddenly

来争吵。争执通常开始于突然面对到

bywhatappearstoustobetheradical selfishness,intransigenceorsheernastiness

在我们眼中,另一半极端的自私、倔强

ofthepartner.Itisextremelytemptingto reactwithequalforce.Wearen’t,after

或劣根性。我们会很想用相同的力度回应

all,apushover.Wehavebeenhurtandmust hurtback.Wewillmakethemsufferasthey

我们毕竟也不好欺负以牙还牙,让对方痛苦

havemadeussuffer.Theremaybevariations injusthowweopttoinflictthesuffering.

如同对方让我们痛苦一样施加伤害的选项有几种可能

Perhapswe’lldoalotofshouting.Orslam adoor.Ormaybewe’llekethisoneout

我们可能会咆哮、摔门或是以生闷气来度过

withasulk.Buttheunderlyingprinciple isthesame:wehavebeenhurtandwehave

但基础原则都是相同的我们被伤害了

topunish.Butatthispoint,wemightask whatwe’rereallyseeking.Afterall,we

必须惩罚对方。这时候,我们得想想我们要什么

arenottryingtoadministerabstractjustice orpunishforthesakeofit.Thisisn’t

毕竟我们不是要主持抽象的正义来惩罚对方

acriminalcourtortheheadmaster’soffice. Whatwe’retrulyseekinginacloserelationship

这不是刑事法庭或校长办公室我们在亲密关系中

issomethingmuchmoretouching:wewantthe otherpersontoloveusproperlyandtobe

想得到是更感性的我们想要对方更和善

kinder.That’swhywe’reslammingthe door,callingthemafuckwitandhavebeen

用对的方式爱我们。这是我们摔门、骂对方白痴、

pretendingtheydon’texistsincebreakfast. Surprisingly,almostthelastthingweever

从早餐开始就无视对方的原因。意外的是,我们深受伤害时

dowhenwe’vebeenveryhurtistosaythat we’vebeenveryhurt.Itfeelsjusttoo

从不去做的就是表达自己受伤了

humiliatingtorevealourwoundtotheperson whoinflictedit,toshowourselvesasvulnerable

曝露伤口给伤害我们的人、在践踏我们脆弱的人面前

infrontoftheveryindividualwhoit seemshasunbearablyabusedourvulnerability.

展示自己的脆弱,实在太屈辱了

Thisisbothhugelyunderstandableanddoesn’t advancethingsintheleast,becausewe’re

这情有可原,但对事情没帮助,因为

notinarelationshiptobeemotionallysafe, we’retheretofindconnection.Anactof

我们不是为了情绪上的安全谈感情而是为了建立关系

retribution,whileitmaygiveusamomentary impressionofimpregnability,neverincreases

报复行为可能会给我们一时的快意但并不会增加

ourchancesofobtainingtheloveandunderstanding we’veformedacoupleinordertoderive.

得到爱的机会,不会让我们理解交往正是了此事

Wemightconsideradifferentandslightly paradoxicalapproach:wemight,exactlyat

我们可以考虑另一个有点矛盾的做法,我们可以

themomentwhenwe’vebeenwoundedbyour partner,insteadofhittingback,makewhat

在被伴侣伤害的时候,不选择回手

wecouldtermADignifiedAvowalofHurtand Fear.Ratherthangetfurious,wemightattempt

我们可以「有尊严地承认受伤与害怕」与其发怒,我们能试着

tomoveregisterandgetdirectlyatwhat isailingusthroughatwofoldadmission.

透过两阶段的承认来直接面对痛楚的来源

Wemightsay,firstly:I’msohurtthat someoneI’veputmyemotionaltrustinshould

我们首先可以说:我受伤了,因为我情感上信任的人

sayordothattome.Andsecondly,(this takespropercourage),wemightadd:I’m

竟然对我这样说、这样做。接着(这需要勇气)再加上:

sofrightenedthatIshouldbeemotionally deeplyexposedtosomeonewhowouldappear

我很害怕自己的情绪曝露在

tohurtmelikethis.Thisshouldgivethe partnerpauseforthought.Onehasn’tinsulted

会伤害我的人面前。这会让伴侣停下来思考

themorhurtthembackintheusualwaywhich iswhattypicallyblockstheirearsandsets

对方没有像平常一样辱骂或回手而这通常是让伴侣充耳不闻

offaviciouscycleofattackandcounterattack. Wearebeingdignifiedandhonest.Wearen’t

双方恶性循环、互相攻击的原因我们诚实且有尊严

lashingout,butnorarewebegging.Weare neitherbeingverystrong,norveryweak.

我们没有发怒,但也不在乞求我们不卑不亢

Weareneitherpunchingnorcrawling.Weare juststandingstill,admittingourgenuine

我们不攻击也不巴结我们只是冷静地承认

sadness,fearandnakednessinatoneofmarked self-possession.Toooften,argumentsbecome

自己真实的悲伤、害怕与赤裸。争吵常常会变得

interminableand,tooutsiders,slightlydaft becausebothpeoplerefusetoadmitthatthey’re

毫无止尽,对外人来说也有点愚蠢因为两个人都拒绝承认

sadnotmean.Itisn’twhattimetoleave fortheairportorwhoseturnitistodo

他们是悲伤,而非刻薄并不是几点要出发去机场

thedishesthat’screatedtheargument. It’sthatbothpartiesare,indifferent

或谁来洗碗这种事造成争吵而是两边各自感受到

ways,feelingunlovedandmisunderstoodbut arerefusingtosaythisinquitesomany

不被爱与误解但他们拒绝诉说此事

words.Inawisersociety,we’dstudyarguments atschoolforatleastfouryears(they’re

在一个理性的社会我们曾在学校学习至少四年的辩论

ascomplicatedasalgebraandmoreimportant) andwe’dallgetalotbetteratconfessing

(和代数一样复杂但更重要)而且我们也学会如何坦承伤口

ourwoundsinatoneofself-possesseddignity. We’dadmitwithcalmthat,thoughwe’re

同时沉着地保持尊严我们会冷静地承认

capableandstronginmostareasofourlives, here,rightnow,inthearenaoftherelationship,

我们在生命中某些领域很在行但在亲密关系的擂台

wearehurtandscaredandyetarebrave andmatureenough,aswellcommittedenough

我们受伤而且害怕但也足够成熟勇敢

tolove,todaretotellthepartnersoin theplainest,mostundecoratedandmostheartfelt

足够决心去爱敢用最平凡不掩饰,但由衷的话语

words.Wemightsaveourselvesalotoftime.

告诉对方这件事我们能因此省下很多时间

Webelieveinmakingtheworldamoreemotionallyintelligentplaceandtothatendwehavenowalsopublishedsomeextraordinarybooks.

我们相信能打造一个情商更高的世界为此,我们创造了一些精彩的书籍

Aswellasothermerchandisethatreenforcessomeofthethemesillustratedinourvideos

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咋跟你的另一半儿争吵!(How To Argue With Your Partner.)

影片简介

How To Argue With Your Partner.咋跟你的另一半儿争吵!

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3则回应

430 0
hi
回复
0 2019-03-13 21:22:51
308 0
What are you doing
回复
0 2018-05-12 21:01:35
268 0
这个很不错啊
回复
0 2018-05-04 11:56:30